You guys…I think I’ve discovered something. A theme. The theme of all of my problems is vulnerabilty. I know, I’m just as dissapointed as you are. Vulnerability? Really?? That’s so basic and main stream??? It feels like when you’ve lost your phone and you realize it’s been in your belt bag the entire time. There’s all of this panic and comotion because it’s something essential. You then realize it’s in a place that’s so familiar and obvious, yet you overlooked it.

Vulnerability has come across my life in areas of all types of relationships. The biggest one would be friendships. I have been having issues with making and mainting friendships. Yes, I come to accept and realize that making and mainting friendships as an adult is extremly difficult. However, I think I might have had this issue growing up. (Disclaimer-I love my mom. She is an incredible person and did the absolute best at raising me.) From what I remember of my childhood, I don’t remember making too many friends on my own. I felt my mom really pushed for some friends that I actually wasn’t that interested in. I think she did what she thought was best and didn’t want me to not have any friends at all. There’s a chance this pushing was excessive. I remember having these friends that she would set me up with. I feel like when I started to show them the real me or share something personal, they would turn away from me and not be my friend anymore. Or something happened to where we would have a problem and I would just simply not be friends with them anymore. I don’t have that many memories in my early life of general conflict resolutions or to me listening to someone else’s side. I don’t know where that last part came from. However, I don’t think it has anything to do with my mom.

That last part has definetly affected my vulnerability in all sort of relationships. I think I’ve been viewing relationships as “well if it’s not perfect, then bail” or '“there’s a problem time to go.” What I am learning more and more each day is that people are complicated and messy. Or, more vulnerably, I am complicated and messy. All relationships take work and showing exactly who I am and what I want and need. I had a trend for a while where I wanted to be a better listener. So I started getting really good at listening to people. But then, I never shared anything about me. What I’m trying to focus more on now is being an active listener and then sharing something personal about myself in the conversation. Only listening to someone will make you feel more isolated and alone. I think listening and responding is necessary in order to connect with others. And that is where my vulnerability has come in-showing others exactly who I am.

Another area of my life vulnerabilty affects is my personality. I have been told by maybe 1 or 20 people that I am a bit of a gossip, “know it all”, I like to tell people what to do. Disclaimer, none of those actual words have been said. But, this is the common theme among the varied descriptions. I think that this is my type of personality because 1.I don’t want them to know or focus on my problems, 2.it makes me feel less alone knowing that other people have problems like me, 3.it is an avoidance behavior I have developed so that I can avoid my own problem and 4. it makes me feel safe and 5.it makes me feel superior.

So, where do I go from here? What I want to do in my life is to show myself more. I am also relearning who that is in this whole process. However, I want to show that person to everyone from friends to my husband and family to strangers. Also to put more effort into these relationships. Another way I like to hide is to not put effort in at all. I want to practice being seen. And finally, keep going to jiu jitsu. I think this is where my idea of vulnerabiltiy in my life started. Guys, I’m not good at jiu jitsu. I get rocked in class like nobody’s business. However, I’m learning such great life lessons and no matter what, I keep showing up.

Before I end this blog, I wanted to mention the picture that I put for this blog entry. I’m not sure I want to put the artist’s name because I’m trying to keep this blog as low key as possible. Anyway, this artist made these paintings after a very vulnerable time in her life and I was immediatley drawn to the messsage in this art. Vulnerabilty to me means embracing all your true colors, your mess and showing it exactly as is.

Kindly, Kat