2022 In All Honesty
Welp, 2022 is officially ending. Before I talk about 2023, I need to paint a picture of 2022. I thought my 2022 list I posted earlier this month would be enough. Apparently, I have a significant amount of emotions I need to unpack. 2022 was the most overwhelming year I have had as an adult. I experienced burnout, depression, and anxiety, which is not typical for me. 2022 was not about me. It was about getting shit done. At one point, I was working 30 hours a week, taking 16 units and planning a wedding. A recipe for disaster. This led me into experiencing symptoms of depression that I have not felt since I was 15. From this, I have learned that mental health is also a lot harder as an adult because there is a “shame” feeling that goes along with having anxiety or depression, especially if you have experienced anxiety and depression before in your life. You have been alive for almost 30 years, shouldn’t you have this figured out? What’s wrong with you? Why are you experiencing this again?
I also used food as a coping mechanism. Honestly, this probably started with COVID. I have never experienced food obsession until Mayish 2020 (when I went back to school, ha) but this year was the year it really took off. I have never thought about food so much as I did these past two years. And more mindless eating than ever. It was a way for me to relax myself, disconnect or disassociate. Luckily, I’ve been facing it and being proactive about this problem since October of this year. I am not where I want to be, but I am sure as shit moving away from where I was and I’m moving forward.
What was confusing about all of this was that I was accomplishing many things but felt like shit. I graduated with a bachelor's degree, got into grad school, got married to the perfect man and had a job that supported me. More shame came along with this. How could I feel so shitty when so many great things were happening to me? I must be ungrateful, I must be weak, I must not be enough. I had thoughts these things which everyone does at some point. The problem was these thoughts had power and I was starting to believe them.
How did I get here? The easy answer is-I put myself second. I have always been confident, put myself first and deep down knows that everything will be alright. In 2022, I worked out a lot less than I usually do (I am someone who has been pretty consistent since 2017) and didn’t really do any other hobbies. I felt guilty for working out or for starting any hobbies (I did start Jiu Jitsu but been MIA since November) because I knew there were so many other things that needed to be done. I could NOT relax for the life of me. I had gotten on a hamster wheel and could not get off. Prioritizing myself just wasn’t a…priority.
I can gladly say that I have not just waited for the new year to be proactive about changing my lifestyle. What I have been asking myself lately is “what do I want my everyday life to look like?”. As mentioned, I have been addressing my eating habits to limit emotion eating. I started intermitted fasting again from 12pm-8pmish. It has been going great! It is an easy way to have more of an idea of what I eat in the day without actually tracking and gives me a break from thinking about food. The goal was to reestablish a healthy relationship with food. The goal now is a big weight loss goal that I have set for myself. I’m the heaviest I’ve been which would be okay if I had a lot of healthy habits. But, I don’t. Getting to my heaviest was not based on balance. So now, I want to weight less.
I am starting a part time job in speech therapy that I will be working from home. I love speech therapy, especially my office. But I need to figure out a more balanced lifestyle for myself. I will go to the office 2x a week and WFH 3x a week. I’m looking into lifting 3x a week and a 30 minute yoga video 5x week. I thought about adding in steps but I think more of my goal this year is mobility so I changed it to a yoga video instead. I will be going to back to jiu jitsu the first week of January which will count as my cardio as well. At least 3x a week but hoping for 4x. There are many wonderful things about learning how to fight. Physical, mental and emotional benefits all in one. This blog has been giving me a creative outlet and a healthy way of expressing myself. I have unintentionally set a goal of one blog post a week for this year. I’m trying to go to the library once a week as well to get into the habit of reading. Reading relaxes me substantially.
Regardless of the laundry list above, I’m trying to not set too many specific goals this year. The “goals” up above are just more of guidelines and painting an idea of expectations on myself and what will bring me joy. Instead, I would like to set a main theme, mantra, slogan, whatever for 2023. For 2023, my overall theme is grounding. This year, I want to prioritize staying present in anything I'm doing from talking to my husband, to working, to my hobbies, to myself. I also want to look at these expectations and put them in a scope of how this is going to look for 30 year old Kat. I had an expectation to accomplish all that I wanted to with the lifestyle I had when I was 25-single, living at home so no real bills to pay, working 20 hours a week and not going to school. 30 year old Kat is married, living with her husband and on our own, working 35 hours a week and going to grad school. Realistic expectations will give you give the realest outcomes.
If you have made it this far, thank you for the read. Cheers to 2023.
Kindly, Kat